It's kind of depressing

I know all the right things to do. I can give you all the advice in the world and if you follow it, you'll lose weight. But I can't do it myself. I'm blue because I finally made it to one and a half minutes running (the farthest I've gotten on the running program yet) and I'm hurt. Again. So, instead of controlling the things I can (what I eat), I just let it all go to hell in a hand basket. I'm up two pounds this week. Oddly, my husband keeps telling me I feel thinner to him. And when I measured this morning, my waist is down a quarter inch. There's no way I could have gained two pounds of muscle in a week. I know I shouldn't be so dedicated to the scale. I should take into account how I feel and how my pants fit and stuff (and they are getting looser). But I want that number on the scale to move down, damn it. Significantly down. Anyway, I'm trying not to just scrap the whole project. I'm doing yoga and I think I'll be able to walk today (did I mention I also, in addition to my sore left heel, have a plantar's wart on my left foot?) I've been reading a lot of running, yoga, and diet information on the net. I'm thinking more about plate construction as a way of cutting calories. If half your plate is filled with vegetables, and you eat them first, it's easier to control your caloric intake. Brad also bought me some bottled water and those MiO things they've been advertising on TV. My fluid intake was much higher yesterday and I actually had to pee when I woke up this morning, so that's a check mark in the good column. Here's to a more "in control" week than the last.

*Sighs* Again?

I'm injured.

I either have bursitis in my heel or a stress fracture. Either way, the treatments are basically the same and I don't care to go to the doctor and have her yell at me for running when I'm obviously too fat to do that. (Frankly, this heel had been giving me trouble before I even started running due to worn out shoes I was wearing to work.) So, bit of a layoff coming my way.

That said, I can still do yoga and I can start working on my strength training. Instead of running four days a week, I'll do yoga three days and a body weight workout three days. I'm also considering the possibility of race walking instead of running. Frankly, the Volkslauf is in the MUD so I don't imagine anyone builds up any kind of speed anyway. That said, we'll see how it goes.

My weight this week was basically the same as last week. I have a new plan for my calorie intake, so we'll see how that goes this week.

• Sunday 2500
• Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday 1800
• Thursday and Friday 1500

I ended up way low yesterday, but I think I'll just take that as a bonus day and leave it alone instead of making up the calories another day.

If at first you don't succeed, ADJUST.

Getting mad at garbage.

What does that mean? Just exactly what it says. I went for a run this morning and got mad at the trash on the road. Not because my fellow humans are slobs, but because everything I saw reminded me of the bad choices I've made that got me here.

There was a Keystone beer can that made me mad because I thought of all the times I've drank even just one beer and then felt so relaxed I ate an entire plate of nachos or something similar. There was the Styrofoam cup that reminded me of all the Mr. Pibb I drank out of that old fashioned machine at work that gave you ice in a cup with your pop to which I contribute that first 15 pounds I gained after being married. There was the Arby's bag that made me think of all the times I've gone out to eat and consumed a day and a half's worth of calories at lunch and then did it all over again at supper time.

This is the truth of it: what you put in your mouth matters. A lot. If I had controlled my intake, I would be 100% further on my journey. Now I'm just plodding along, barely started with my running instead of running 3 miles a day and doing pull-ups in the garage.

On that note, I drank my last sugary soda today. A homemade chocolate cherry cola. I'm limiting my processed foods and no baked goods unless I make them myself. If I don't control what I put in my body, I'll be stuck here forever.

Well...

...it's been a "good news/bad news" kind of week.

Good news is that I dropped another pound.

Bad news is that I ate poorly and didn't get all my workouts in.

I did much better eating Saturday and Sunday. And I ran yesterday. One minute running alternated with two minutes of walking.

Brad bought me a step counter which has been great fun for me. I took over 15000 steps yesterday between running and working.

Today, I'm skipping the workout. Female issues. Tomorrow may be limited to yoga. Wednesday, I plan to run. Thursday: yoga and/or walking. Friday and Saturday: run.

Also, I'm using Sun Salutations to warm up before running. After I return from running or walking I'm doing a short yoga routine that I got from Runner's World. At night before I go to bed, I'm doing yoga to stretch my hamstrings. The hamstring routine takes about ten minutes and ends with Legs Up the Wall which feels good and is very relaxing, especially after work.

I'm going to work on that three month plan on my days off. Actually, it will be more like 9 weeks, because my sister gets here on 5/22 and that week will be an off week at best. This time, I won't gain 5 pounds like I usually do when she's here.

Migraine Hell

I've spent the last two days in Migraine Hell. Ate too much and didn't work out at all. Fortunately, I did make it to work both days, so at least I burned some calories there. I don't know why my first inclination when I get a migraine is to eat. And eat bad stuff, at that. That Chocolate Cherry Coke from Sonic sure tasted good and kept my nausea down, but WOW, that's a lot of calories.

Anyway, Brad bought me an electronic pedometer. I'll be really interested to see how far I walk at work. Today won't be a good measure because we have 3 med aides on Wednesdays, so I don't have as far to walk. But Saturday should really tell me something. Makes me kind of excited to go to work.

Feel tired today, but no pain. *Singing* Back in the saddle again...

Feels just like starting over.

I looked back at my data from when I originally started working on this Volkslauf thing. I am almost exactly where I was a year and a quarter ago. Sigh. I know, it's my own fault, but I could be at goal weight already if I had applied myself.

Oh well.

Calories came in at 1972 yesterday. I didn't get to eat at work, so overindulged when I got home. Still, 1972 is better than the 2500 or 3000 I've been consuming. I didn't workout, but I was plenty busy at work. Lots of extra walking last night.

This morning the scale said I was down a pound from last week, despite my overindulging and not working out as planned.

I got a run in this morning and ate a healthy brunch, so the start of the day is good. The momentum should keep me going through work. It's after I get home that it gets more difficult.

I am sick of me

It's starting to feel like I just make rules so I can break them. I set goals so I can fail on purpose. I'm not sure why. I like when people compliment me, when they tell me I'm doing a good job. It makes no sense that I should constantly sabotage myself.

It occurred to me this morning (after eating like a pig yesterday and being sick to my stomach until three in the morning and then deciding not to go for a run) that my problem is that I'm thinking like a 43 year old woman with a job and a husband and dogs and not like an athlete. If the goal is to run in the 2012 Volkslauf, I need to think like an athlete at least in regards to what I put in my body and what I do with my body.

So, I ran a search for "think like an athlete". I came up with three useful articles and wrote down the information in them. The top three pieces of advice as far as I was concerned were:

1. Break down the goal into three month increments.
2. What you eat, what you drink and how you train are all within your power.
3. Be flexible, life is always changing. You don't give up on your plans, you adjust.

There were other things I wrote down, but these three things seemed the most concrete to me. So, be prepared for some goal setting posts and some schedule posts and more frequent reporting on my calorie intake and workouts. I can do this.

Slowly figuring it out.

OK. It's not enough for me to give myself a calorie limit and an exercise goal. It's not working. Somehow I manage to justify overeating all the time, not just once in a while. And this last few days has been harder than usual. All in my head, I know.

Yesterday I walked. Today I'm doing my first run/walk since January. I've lost a month of training to bad weather and that cold that knocked me on my fanny for two weeks. Today should be interesting.

I think the deal is that I just need to eat "clean". It's always the processed foods that get me in trouble. Today is Wednesday (already). For the rest of the week, I'm going to limit the processed foods and see where that gets me. I have plenty of unprocessed foods in the house, so lack of groceries is not going to be the issue. Meat servings will be four ounces or less.

This gives me four days on the new eating plan. I put on a pound last week. I have three days of running scheduled this week. (Would have been four but I missed Monday.)

Regroup. Onward.